Is People-Pleasing Ruining Your Life? Here’s How to Take Control

People-pleasing! I’ve seen the scenario more times than I can count: a client walks into my (virtual) office, shoulders heavy with the weight of “yes” after “yes” after “yes.” She’s spent her entire week—and sometimes her entire life—putting out fires, accepting extra tasks at work, offering to help family members who may not reciprocate, and going to social events she secretly dreads.

By the time she sinks into her seat, she’s exhausted and anxious, wondering how she got here yet again. If this sounds like you, there’s a good chance people-pleasing is at the root of your struggles—and you’re far from alone.

From my vantage point as a licensed therapist, I specialize in helping Black women resolve anxiety and people pleasing. My passion for this work runs deep, because I’ve been in those shoes myself. In my early career, I was so eager to be seen as “the reliable one” that I said yes to everything, even if it meant working nights and weekends or dropping personal boundaries.

Over time, this constant striving for approval turned into a quiet resentment—resentment toward my boss for assuming I’d always take on more, resentment toward myself for not speaking up, and resentment toward a system that seemed to thrive on my inability to say “no.”

Here’s the good news: you can absolutely learn to let go of people-pleasing without sacrificing your generosity or warm spirit. Below, we’ll dig into why people-pleasing can be so sneaky, how it particularly affects Black women, and practical ways to step into your own power—one boundary at a time.

Understanding People Pleasing

What Is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is a pattern of prioritizing others’ needs, feelings, and desires above your own, often to your own detriment. It can show up in subtle ways:

You agree to help plan a friend’s bridal shower even though you’re swamped.
You stay late at work to finish someone else’s project because you don’t want to “disappoint” your team.
You keep your opinions to yourself to avoid confrontation, even when you feel strongly about the topic.

On the surface, it might seem like people-pleasing is an act of kindness or service. But beneath that, it often stems from anxiety, fear of rejection, or a desire for external validation. Over time, people-pleasing can erode your well-being and sense of self-worth.

Sneaky Signs You’re a People Pleaser

It’s not always obvious that you’re caught in a people-pleasing cycle. Here are some signs to watch for:

Difficulty saying “no.” Maybe you cringe at the idea of disappointing others or you worry about appearing selfish, so “no” feels like a foreign word.
Chronic over-commitment. Your calendar is always packed. You rarely have free time to rest, decompress, or reflect on your own goals.
Fear of conflict or rejection. You’ll bite your tongue to avoid rocking the boat, sometimes sacrificing your own needs or values in the process.
Constant need for approval. You rely heavily on external praise or validation to feel good about yourself.

If any of these ring a bell, you might be dealing with people pleasing more than you realize.

Why People-Pleasing Disproportionately Affects Black Women

Navigating Stereotypes and Cultural Expectations

For Black women, people pleasing can be magnified by cultural norms and stereotypes. Many of my clients say they feel pressured to be the “strong one,” the pillar who holds everything together for family, friends, and even colleagues. Some of this comes from a place of deep pride—after all, so many of us were raised to look out for one another. But it can also be the result of societal expectations that pigeonhole Black women as tireless caregivers or perpetual nurturers.

Early in my career, I recall taking on all the projects no one else wanted. On top of an already demanding workload. I remember thinking, “I don’t want to let my team down. They’re looking up to me, and I have to be strong.” Over time, I realized that while my heart was in the right place, my body and mind were paying the price. I was barely sleeping, often anxious, and starting to resent the very people I was trying to help.

Intersectionality in the Workplace

Black women exist at the intersection of race and gender, which can introduce unique stressors, such as navigating microaggressions and bias. There’s often a feeling of needing to be “twice as good” to avoid negative stereotypes or the fear of being labeled “difficult” or “angry.” These added pressures can reinforce people-pleasing behaviors, leaving you feeling like you’re constantly walking a tightrope.

The Costs of People-Pleasing

Mental Health Toll

When you continually put others’ needs first, you’re essentially sending yourself the message that “My needs don’t matter.” Over time, this can lead to anxiety, stress, and burnout.

One of my clients, Ebony*, was the go-to person in her extended family. Whenever someone needed money or a place to crash, Ebony was the one they turned to. She said yes so often that her phone seemed to ring non-stop. Ebony became so overwhelmed that she began hiding from phone calls. Because she knew she’d say yes, even if she wanted to say no.

Her anxiety soared, and she struggled to get out of bed some mornings. That’s when she came to me for counseling.

Professional Consequences

In the workplace, people-pleasing can lead to missed opportunities and stalled leadership potential. If you’re too busy doing everyone else’s work, you may neglect your own professional development. Leaders need to delegate and set boundaries. And if you can’t say no, you may be overlooked for leadership roles. Always seen as the worker bee and not the leader.

How to Reclaim Your Power and Break the Cycle

Identify Your Triggers

The first step in breaking free from people-pleasing is awareness. Start by paying attention to the situations or people that trigger your urge to please.

Do you find yourself overextending more at work, at home, or both?

Are you more likely to say yes to a boss, mentor, or elder family member?

Do you feel guilty refusing invitations or requests from friends?

Personal Exercise

Keep a journal for a week, jotting down every time you agree to something you’d rather not do. Note who asked, how you felt in the moment, and why you said yes. Patterns often emerge that point to deeper fears or beliefs—like a fear of conflict or a desire to be seen as indispensable.

How to Reclaim Your Power and Break the Cycle

Identify Your Triggers

The first step in breaking free from people pleasing is awareness. Start by paying attention to the situations or people that trigger your urge to please:

Work vs. Personal Life: Do you find yourself overextending more at work, at home, or both?
Authority Figures: Are you more likely to say yes to a boss, mentor, or elder family member?
Friends and Social Obligations: Do you feel guilty refusing invitations or requests from friends?

Personal Exercise

Set Boundaries (One Step at a Time)

Boundaries aren’t walls to keep people out; they’re fences that help you protect your energy and well-being. Here are some practical ways to start:

Practice Saying “No” Gently but Firmly. Try phrases like, “I’d love to help another time, but right now I’m at capacity,” or “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m focusing on my personal projects this month.”
Use the “Delay Tactic.” If you feel pressured to respond immediately, say, “Let me think about this and get back to you.” This gives you time to evaluate whether you genuinely want to say yes.
Be Realistic About Your Commitments. Before accepting a new task, assess how much time and energy you truly have. Overextending is a surefire path to burnout.

Remember: Setting boundaries is an act of self-care, not selfishness.

Challenge Limiting Beliefs

Many Black women grew up with the narrative that we have to be strong for everyone around them. No matter the personal cost to ourselves. Ask yourself: “Is this belief serving me?” If the answer is no, gently start to replace it with a more empowering thought, like:

“I am worthy of support and help.”
“Saying no is how I make room for my bigger yes.”
“I have the right to protect my time, energy, and mental health.”
Order a copy of my affirmations journal, Melaninated Magic: 180 Affirmations to Nurture Your Soul and Unleash Your Black Girl Joy for affirmations created specifically for Black women

Real-World Strategies for Overcoming People-Pleasing

Communication Skills and Assertiveness

One of the biggest misconceptions is that being assertive means being aggressive or confrontational. In reality, assertiveness is simply expressing your needs clearly and kindly. Here’s how:

Use “I” Statements. Phrases like, “I feel overwhelmed when I’m expected to handle all these tasks alone,” are less likely to put others on the defensive.
Keep It Brief and Clear. You don’t need to give a lengthy explanation or apology when you set a boundary. State your point, and stand by it.
Nonverbal Cues Matter. Make eye contact, keep your posture upright, and speak in a calm, confident tone.

Build a Support System

Breaking free from people pleasing is much easier when you have a strong support network:

Mentors and Coaches: Seek out professionals who understand the unique challenges Black women face in corporate or leadership roles. They can offer strategies, accountability, and a listening ear.
Friends Who “Get It.” Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and celebrate your growth.
Therapy or Counseling: A therapist can help you unpack deeper emotional layers and historical traumas that might be fueling your urge to please.

Maintaining Momentum on Your People-Pleasing Journey

Daily Self-Care Practices

You won’t break the people pleasing habit overnight, but consistent self-care helps:

Mindful Mornings: Start your day with a grounding practice—maybe a short meditation, prayer, or journaling session.
Movement and Breath: Incorporate gentle movement like yoga or a walk to reduce stress and help you tune in to your body’s signals.
Gratitude and Affirmations: End your day by noting at least three things you’re grateful for and one boundary you successfully upheld.

Regular Self-Reflection

Make it a habit to check in with yourself:

Weekly Check-Ins: Ask, “When did I stick to my boundaries this week? When did I feel the urge to people-please?”
Celebrate Wins: Even a small “no” or a conversation where you asked for what you need is progress.
Adjust as Needed: If you notice you’re backsliding, identify what triggered you and brainstorm how to handle it differently next time.

You’ve already taken the first step by seeking out information and reflection. Now it’s time to put it into practice—one boundary, one “no,” and one empowered choice at a time.

Personal Growth and the Ripple Effect

You Deserve to Center Yourself

Breaking free from people-pleasing also means building a support system. Friends, mentors, and community members who understand your journey can help reinforce your boundaries. Therapy or counseling provides deeper insights into the emotional layers fueling your behaviors.

Daily self-care practices, like mindful mornings, movement, and gratitude exercises, can help you stay grounded. Regular self-reflection, such as weekly check-ins and celebrating small wins, ensures you maintain momentum.

It may feel uncomfortable at first to prioritize your own needs. In fact, it might even feel downright rebellious if you’ve spent years or decades in the people pleasing mode. But when you take care of yourself, you’re better able to show up wholeheartedly for the people and causes that truly matter.

Final Thoughts

People pleasing might feel deeply ingrained, especially for Black women who’ve been conditioned by culture, family, and professional environments to always be “on” for others. But remember this: you matter. Your needs, voice, and boundaries all matter. By identifying your triggers, challenging limiting beliefs, and practicing new communication skills, you can transform the way you show up for yourself. And ultimately, for the people you care about.

Breaking free from people-pleasing doesn’t mean you’ll never help anyone again. It does mean you’ll do it from a place of genuine choice rather than obligation or fear. So, if you’re ready to let go of chronic over-commitment and break the habit of always putting others first, take heart, real change is possible.

You’ve already taken the first step by seeking out information and reflection. Now it’s time to put it into practice—one boundary, one “no,” and one empowered choice at a time.

Breaking free from people pleasing can feel overwhelming, especially when you’ve spent years putting others first. But you don’t have to figure it out alone. Imagine reclaiming your time, setting boundaries confidently, and finally putting your needs at the top of the list.

Get Help Today

I specialize in helping Black women like you overcome anxiety and break the cycle of people-pleasing while building a life of balance and self-worth. Together, we can create strategies tailored to your unique challenges.

Take the next step toward a healthier, more empowered you. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me today, and let’s start implementing these strategies to help you set boundaries, reduce stress, and reclaim your life. You deserve support, so let’s make it happen.

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Twanna Carter, LPC, LCPC | Photo by Renee Wilhite

I’m an African American licensed therapist with over 19 years of experience, dedicated to helping Black women live more fulfilling lives. My journey includes overcoming imposter syndrome, anxiety and uncertainty about my own worth. I know the struggle of navigating change and uncertainty firsthand. That’s why I’m committed to providing tools and strategies for success, empowering Black women to thrive and achieve fulfillment. Schedule a consultation with me today.

*All names have been changed.

**Affiliate disclosure: As an Amazon Associate, we may earn a small commission from qualifying purchases from Amazon.com.

Is People-Pleasing Ruining Your Life? Here’s How to Take Control