People pleasing is exhausting. It’s like running on a treadmill that speeds up every time you do something for someone else, while the pause button stays just out of reach. As a therapist who specializes in helping Black women navigate life’s challenges, I’ve seen how people-pleasing impacts confidence, mental health, and relationships.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re losing yourself in the pursuit of keeping others happy, this blog is for you. Let’s dive into seven proven strategies to help you break free from the cycle of people-pleasing, starting today.
Understanding Why You People Please
Before we tackle the “how” of breaking free, let’s explore the “why.” People-pleasing often stems from deeply rooted fears—fear of rejection, fear of conflict, or fear of being seen as “difficult.” For Black women, these fears are compounded by societal expectations to be strong, nurturing, and accommodating in every setting.
Personal Anecdote: Learning the Hard Way
I’ll never forget the time I agreed to organize a work-wide event while juggling a heavy workload. I didn’t want to say no because I feared being seen as uncooperative. As the event approached, I barely slept and snapped at my kids over minor things. It wasn’t until my daughter asked, “Why are you always tired, Mom?” that I realized how much I’d sacrificed to avoid disappointing my boss.
Understanding why you people-please is the first step to breaking the habit. Once you recognize the patterns, you can begin to dismantle them.
Reframe “No” as Self-Care
Many people think saying “no” is selfish. It’s not. Saying “no” is an act of self-care that protects your time, energy, and mental health.
Simple Scripts to Practice Saying “No”
Sometimes the hardest part of setting boundaries is finding the right words. Here are a few examples:
- “I’d love to help, but I’m at capacity right now.”
- “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t take this on.”
- “I’ll need to check my schedule and get back to you.”
Practice in Low-Stakes Situations
If saying “no” feels daunting, start small. Decline extra napkins at a restaurant or say no to a store clerk offering additional items at checkout. These small wins build the muscle you need to say no when it really counts.
Recognize Your Worth Beyond What You Do
People-pleasers often tie their self-worth to how much they can do for others. Breaking free requires a mindset shift: your worth isn’t tied to your productivity or others’ approval.
Daily Affirmations to Build Confidence
Start each morning with affirmations that remind you of your intrinsic value. For example:
- “I am enough just as I am.”
- “I don’t need anyone else’s approval to feel whole.”
- “My worth is not determined by how much I do for others.”
Writing these affirmations on sticky notes and placing them where you’ll see them daily can help reinforce this mindset. You can also find 180 affirmations in my affirmations journal, Melaninated Magic: 180 Affirmations to Nurture Your Soul and Unleash Your Black Girl Joy that I created especially for Black women.
Establish and Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are your best friend when it comes to breaking free from people-pleasing. They’re not walls to shut people out—they’re fences that protect your well-being.
Identify Your Boundaries
Ask yourself:
- What drains my energy the most?
- Where do I feel overextended?
- What do I need to feel more balanced?
For instance, if you’re always staying late at work, set a boundary by committing to leave on time at least three days a week.
Communicate Boundaries Clearly
Be firm yet kind when setting boundaries. Instead of saying, “I can’t help with that,” try, “I have other commitments and can’t take that on right now.” Clear communication leaves little room for pushback.
Detach Emotionally from Others’ Reactions
One of the biggest fears people-pleasers face is upsetting others. But here’s the truth that I tell my clients: you can’t control how others react to your boundaries. Because you can’t control anyone else’s thoughts or feelings. You have to learn to stay in your lane, which is managing your own thoughts and feelings.
Mindfulness Techniques to Manage Discomfort
When you start feeling guilty about saying no, pause and breathe. Try this:
- Inhale deeply for four counts.
- Hold for four counts.
- Exhale for six counts.
Remind yourself that their feelings are theirs to manage, not yours. Over time, you’ll learn to sit with the discomfort without letting it derail your boundaries.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People
Breaking free from people-pleasing becomes easier when you have a strong support system. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth.
Evaluate Your Relationships
Take a closer look at your social circle. Are there people who constantly take without giving? Are there relationships that leave you feeling drained instead of uplifted? It’s okay to distance yourself from people who don’t respect your needs.
Join Communities That Uplift You
Look for spaces designed to empower Black women, such as professional networks or local organizations. Being surrounded by women who understand your struggles and celebrate your wins can be incredibly validating.
Seek Professional Support
Sometimes, the patterns of people-pleasing are so deeply ingrained that breaking free feels impossible without guidance. My therapy helps you uncover the root causes of your behavior and equip you with tools to change it.
What to Expect from Therapy
As a therapist, I often work with Black women who feel stuck in cycles of over-giving. We explore where these patterns began, whether in childhood, the workplace, or societal expectations. Together, we create actionable strategies to help them reclaim their time, confidence, and peace of mind.
Take the First Step
If you’re ready to explore therapy or coaching, consider scheduling a consultation with a licensed professional who understands the unique challenges you face as a Black woman.
My Own Journey to Freedom
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t just something I teach—it’s something I’ve lived. I remember feeling invisible in meetings, agreeing with decisions I didn’t support, and taking on extra work just to avoid conflict. The turning point came when I realized that my constant “yes” wasn’t just harming me; it was teaching others that my time and boundaries didn’t matter.
Through therapy, self-reflection, and practice, I’ve learned to prioritize myself without guilt. Now, I help other Black women do the same, because we deserve to live unapologetically on our own terms.
Take the First Step Today
Breaking free from people-pleasing is a journey, but it’s one worth taking. Each “no” you say and each boundary you set brings you closer to living authentically and reclaiming your time and energy.
Start small. Practice the strategies above. And most importantly, remember that you are enough just as you are.
If you’re ready to take the next step, then let’s connect for a 15-Minute free consultation. As a therapist who specializes in helping Black women navigate life’s challenges, I’d be honored to support you on this journey. Book a consultation today and take your first step toward freedom.
What’s one area of your life where you’re ready to stop people-pleasing? Share your thoughts in the comments or tag me on social media—I’d love to hear your story!

Twanna Carter, LPC, LCPC | Photo by Renee Wilhite
I’m an African American licensed therapist with over 19 years of experience, dedicated to helping Black women live more fulfilling lives. My journey includes overcoming imposter syndrome, anxiety and uncertainty about my own worth. I know the struggle of navigating change and uncertainty firsthand. That’s why I’m committed to providing tools and strategies for success, empowering Black women to thrive and achieve fulfillment. Schedule a consultation with me today.
**Affiliate disclosure: As an Amazon Associate, we may earn a small commission from qualifying purchases from Amazon.com.